I went for a run tonight... in long sleeves.
It's fall, and I love it.
While I have acclimated to a warm working environment,
I was made for cooler places. (yes... that is an actual picture from work. I forgot to take a picture of the days it maxed out this cheap little thermometer)
Here is a short and incomplete snapshot of my summer...
A quick disclaimer- no animals or people were harmed in the activities depicted in any of the following photos, unless the animals were meant to be eaten.
snapshot(s) #1- one of the most amazing games I've ever attended in person- Rangers vs Red Sox at Arlington- August 13th. 9 homers, including a walk-off homer in the bottom of the 11th.
snapshot(s) #2- my first experiences with eating leftover sushi at home and chocolate babka. Both were 'successes.' I did not eat them at the same time.
snapshot(s) #3- Mutual of Wichita Wild Kingdom... the "LOG," (short for LARGE-FROG). I was curious as to whether he ate 'fish food.' He toyed with it. And when he wouldn't do more than play, I played the bully and yanked him up by his lower lip, much to his chagrin.
I have big hands and pretty big feet... I had a bit of a task unhooking him from my lure, and then getting him back into the water. I could barely get my hand around his shoulders/mid-section. Grande, and heavy.
snapshot #5- big wheels aren't just for little kids. This dude might as well have been sitting on the ground. It was a pretty beefy and homemade-looking contraption. (and I didn't get a good pick of his riding companion on his own equally homemade-looking big wheel)
and finally, snapshot #6- The Creature from the Red Lagoon- this thing was living in my 'korean casserole' (at Yokohama in Lawrence) and about to climb out of the bowl. Creep-ay, but taste-ay.
well... needed something light to blog about this time. There you have it. See ya summer.
Maybe cooler weather will inspire me to blog more. Maybe not.
I dropped my toothpaste in the toilet last week. I fished it out (before I thought to take a picture of it for this blog) and chucked it directly into the trash can.
Disgusted? No doubt.
Frustrated? Honestly, I was frustrated for only an instant. I was frustrated for as long as it took me to throw the 'tarnished tube' away, wash my hands (gag), open the under-sink cabinet, and get out a fresh tube. The fresh tube even had 'whitening' enhancing flakes (or whatever they're called).
As I've thought about that, I have a flashback image in my mind of some Jamaicans cutting open toothpaste tubes to get the last little bit, scraping the inside of the tube almost spotless. As I left the island after my first of two mission trips to that country, our team was asked to leave behind anything, including half-used toothpaste tubes, that would be used by local people. And so I did the 'noble' thing- I made the monumental and sacrificial easy decision to leave behind my travel-sized toothpaste tube, that was half-used.
I could talk about how much I hate the triple-digit heat in Kansas lately. But I'd also have to share about how I have working air conditioning in my car and in my home.
I could talk to you about how frustrating it is to be in life transition and work in a place that seems about as far from my life calling as it could be. I could write how frustrated it is not to feel like you know your life calling yet. I could even write a blog about those frustrations, and come off as a whining, disenfranchised brat. (I've been reevaluating my 'contest entry' if you hadn't noticed)
But, after talking about those job/life frustrations, I'd have to tell you that I am able to pay my bills. My belly would tell you that I eat well. I'd have to tell you that I am gradually paying off debt. I'd have to honestly tell you that I don't really lack for anything.
Toothpaste-air conditioning-stable income... all things that I take for granted. And these are all things that the majority of the people in the world do not have, and don't even hope for. Sad, isn't it. I could tell you of the countless things that I have in my cabinets and drawers that some people will never have. And more sadly, I could give you more examples of what I have, what I am blessed with, and what I take for granted.
I've come really close to deleting my last post- my 'contest entry.' It was more venting than coherent (or beneficial) thoughts. It was something that you write, think better of, and delete.
But I chose not to. I know, in retrospect, that it represents, not the glossy and polished look of someone that I am proud portraying, but the honest and raw look of how selfish and tunnel-visioned my focus is at times. It portrays more of the truly human heart that beats in my chest, that often questions God's timing and goodness, and wonders why have I have to 'suffer' through periods of transition and doubt.
In it's best light, my 'whining blog' represents the honest seeking of a heart that really desires to live for God. In it's' worst light, it reflects the heart of someone who is truly blessed, but doesn't know it fully.
Why the whine?
I think any North American Christian whines and complains about anything because he/she doesn't realize how blessed and privileged he/she is.
In my saner moments, I realize that, and repent of it to a God who does nothing but lavish me with good things.
In my 'human' moments, I kick and scream like a spoiled baby, thinking that the world revolves around me.
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If I could rewrite my contest entry, I would say that I want to live a bigger story because it more rightly and winsomely reflects the Author of the Biggest Story.
I would write that living a bigger and better story reflects that 'top line/bottom line' view (that I learned in Perspectives) of the Biggest Story that says we are blessed, not to selfishly enjoy and live comfortably (and lazily), but so that we might pass that blessing on to others.
I would write that I want to live a bigger story, because that's the reality- I am part of a great story. And all the bumps that I complain about are only lending themselves to the drama and intrigue leading up to the perfect ending.
(I'm going to reread this blog, hopefully, when I forget)
This is a first for me... writing for a 'contest.' Author Donald Miller and Co. are putting on a seminar in Portland and gifting a trip to said seminar to a person (and a friend) who writes an inspiring blog about it. (please see the video at the bottom of this blog)
There's no feasible way to attend the conference outside of winning the contest, so I take the leap, and let my fingers articulate my heart.
So... prepare to be inspired. And even if it doesn't inspire, this will give you all a vulnerable glimpse of my life that, I hope, will encourage you to rethink yours.
(I've read all of Miller's books, most of which have come out in the last 10 years or so. Blue Like Jazz and his latest, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, are my favorites. He writes with a personable and conversational style that makes reading easy. And he discusses the weighty topics of life, relationships and faith with an openness and candor, admitting when he doesn't know the answers, and graciously offering his opinion and perspective when he has them. He seems to have a great and biblically-inspired balance of grace and truth. He's good-one of my favorites. Check him out, if you haven't already)
Miller's latest book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, introduces the topic of seeing our lives as a story, and intentionally pursuing a better story, and a better life. As Miller writes, the components of a great story are true in whatever genre-movies, novels, and yes, even our own lives: "A character that wants something and overcomes conflict to get it." (Don begins a three-part blog series here about how we see those components in the popular new movie, Toy Story 3.)
I love how Don weaves his own personal story and experience in with the discussion of big and weighty topics of life and calling and destiny. I'm intrigued by the people that he's come across in his life, developing life-long friendships with amazing individuals, simply by being open and aware of his surroundings. I appreciate his ability to engage people's hearts by sharing his own.
His story, and this 'million miles' book, reminded me a bit of Philip Yancey's Soul Survivor. Like Miller, Yancey shares about people who came into his life and shared a part of the journey with him, or at least caught his attention along the way. He shares how they inspired him and contributed to his own story.
What would happen if we took more time to listen to the stories of people surrounding us? How would our perspective of our lives change if we stopped to take inventory of what others have contributed?
I also hear the voice and heart of John Eldredge, reminding and inspiring us that life is an epic journey that God desires us to live to the fullest. The experiences that He allows are all about developing us into the men and women He created us to be. We have an enemy who seeks our destruction, but God is our biggest cheerleader, protector and advocate, encouraging us and reminding us of His presence on this life journey.
So... what is my story?
I'm not going to bore everyone with the details of my birth (which I obviously don't remember) or my daily routine, 34 years later. But it's intriguing to me to look at the components of a story and overlay them on my life and see how they flesh out. Intriguing? Maybe a better word is baffling. Or sometimes, frustratingly random. Or...
Actually, I'm not going to go into many specifics, but I think I cover two of the three bases pretty well. I know the character- me- and I recognize (and struggle through) conflict when it arises, but the third one is the challenge. The 'wanting something' is a little blurry. Actually, wanting something is not the problem, but knowing what I want and intentionally pursuing it is the issue.
What do I want? Why am I here? Where do I fit? What was I created to contribute? Where is this journey leading?
I've grown up with supportive parents who have been as supportive as anyone I know. They were always consistently there to say, "we're proud of you and love you, no matter what you choose to do." That wasn't a license for scandalous behavior, but a blank check of their backing to support me in following my dreams. And when my parents haven't been physically present, I've been surrounded by an amazing host of cheerleaders and friends.
I have been afforded opportunities to do just about anything I wanted.
I've served on two mission trips to Jamaica.
I've traveled to Africa twice, serving in Zambia and even bungee jumping off the Victoria Falls bridge.
I saw the frantic preparations for this year's World Cup when I was in South Africa two years ago.
I've officiated a wedding for one of my best friends on the steps of a Sonoma Valley vineyard house, after driving with him on a non-stop 29-hr trip from Wichita to San Francisco.
I even got crapped on by a bird in Grenada last summer while on a 3-week exposure cruise with Operation Mobilization.
These things have all just 'happened,' it seems. I didn't dream up and pursue any of it. The opportunities materialized, and I said, 'okay, let's do it." That's the story of my life- no big pre-arranged life blueprint; just a series of fun, sometimes hard, and exciting experiences.
And don't get me wrong... I am deeply grateful for those experiences. I have some rich memories and unforgettable experiences to relive in my mind and in conversation. And looking back, I see God's hand guiding and leading and orchestrating (for most of it)...
But life just seems random and disjointed sometimes. And the current season seems as ambiguous as any I've known up to this point. As blessed as I am, and have been, and as supported and loved as I am, I still struggle to not feel like I know where any of this is going or where I fit.
I'm a pastor's kid, and have lived enough places that I'm not sure what to tell people when they ask me where 'home' is.
I went to college as a criminal justice major and graduated as a pastor.
I worked at a camp after college and worked there for a year and a half because they needed help, not because I have a life calling to camping ministry.
I left camp ministry to a short season of transition, living with my parents and working in a church pew factory.
I lived the church pew factory/parental 'free rent' life for six months before moving halfway across the country to be a youth pastor, something I never really envisioned doing.
The youth pastor 'gig' was a great 9 1/2 years at the same church, producing lifelong friendships and memories, but ending with a clear sense of needing to move on.
And now... a year after resigning my youth ministry position, I've just 'celebrated' my first anniversary of paying my bills by working at a cemetery and funeral home doing everything from mowing lawn to driving a funeral coach...
And now... I have no clue what's next... or what I want to be next. There are possibilities for 'next,' but no clear, life-defining vision of the immediate or long-term future.
Someone likened my life to that of Jayber Crow, Wendell Berry's multi-faceted and eclectic-life protagonist. There are some parallels, oddly enough. He seemed to go wherever the wind blew him, doing everything from working at a race track to cutting hair to digging graves.
And now, although I don't really adhere to this theology in my heart of hearts, the current chapter of my life story seems just as random as Jayber Crow's and a product of what feels like God taking a break from communicating my story with some kind of 'writer's cramp.' It feels like everything is on 'pause' even as life speeds by me. I don't know my place, and it's hard to be okay or at peace with that.
I know the right Sunday School answers. I know God loves me and has a plan for my life. I know that 'all things work together for good for those that love God." I know that this life is ultimately not about me, but like any human being, knowing that and living it are two different things.
I don't see how the story progresses from here.
I don't understand where I balance what I do with what I trust God to do. What is my responsibility in this story, and what is His?
And hardest of all... I don't know how to enjoy the journey for what it is--a faith-saturated opportunity for me to represent God in a winsome way on this earth by living the life and story He's called me to.
The 'not finding joy in the journey' makes me feel selfish and ungrateful and spoiled... and most assuredly, I am those things on a regular basis. It's no fun to feel stuck, and, although biblical, I struggle to thank God for these opportunities to grow.
But I have a sincere desire to live the story and be the person God created me to be. It's ultimately about Him.
So... were I to be picked to attend the Donald Miller seminar, I think these are the things that I would look for...
An opportunity to widen my spectrum of friends and acquaintances by meeting others with the same desire to pursue a meaningful and exciting personal life story.
The opportunity to have some objective input into my life story from people who, as yet, know nothing about me.
The opportunity to be reminded of TRUTH that I forget or ignore in the distractions of life.
The opportunity to add a cool chapter to my life story.
That's it... gut-honest, vulnerable, and raw.
Don, and other staff members, thanks for the consideration. Thanks, too, for inspiring people like me to think more 'big picture' thoughts about life and eternity. And thanks for helping facilitate the process of realigning and reinvigorating 'stuck' people in need of encouragement.
